I have a confession to make.
I finally understand what love is…..
It is the indescribable bliss you feel when you see him from across a crowded room, the way your heart skips a beat, still.. when he smiles, the familiar way he feels against your skin. It is the pain you feel deep inside. It is the blackness that consumes your soul when you can’t find a reason. It is the joy you feel when you look into the eyes of your children and are consumed with so many emotions all at once, you can barely breathe. It is the song your soul understands, and the words that move you to tears.
It is the thing that makes this fucking, shit show of a life, worth it all, and it is the thing that will save us, on days when we feel the pain of loving someone with all of our heart, as you try to pick up the pieces and make yourself whole.
If you have lived on this earth for any amount of time, you will have undoubtedly felt love for someone, something, or someplace. Love gives us a reason to hope, to believe, to give freely of ourselves, to one who is deserving. It [love] gives us validation that we are worthy of someone’s admiration, time, and commitment, and in return for the love we give so freely, we understand that we will receive the same in kind. While the expectation is understood, there certainly is no guarantee of this. Nor is there any guarantee that if we are lucky enough to find someone to love, that it will be what we want, what we need, or that it will ultimately last.
I think that for a lot of people make the assertion that because they love someone, devote themselves to them, and seal their convent in holy matrimony, in vague whispers of a monogamous union, that it will now be so. So, sealed with a kiss, written in blood, or etched in stone, the profoundness of it all, will grow….without much effort, without much tending, without much sex, without conditions. WRONG.
What’s that you say? Oh, love is unconditional. Sure, as a parent. The love between you and your child, no doubt…that is a given, but in a relationship, in a marriage…you best believe, that is the biggest fucking lie you can ever believe.
Sure no one will admit that there are conditions, but if you have been in a committed love for any amount of time, you know that conditions are placed on love. Maybe not in such obvious ways, but none the less conditions. What do I mean? Here are some examples.
The Freeze OUT
There are some women and men, we probably all know at least one or more of them, who will use sex as a condition to entice, punish, and deny. For instance, one partner says or does something to piss us off and push our buttons, innocently or not so innocently, and we fix to show them whose boss, and how they won’t be gettin’ any tonight!
Now I am not talking about when you have been dealt a huge blow, meaning you just found out your partner has a side piece, or you are being physically or emotionally abused, what I am talking about here is methodically and systematically, refusing the nooky, as a power move and a condition of your love. Making sex a condition, whereby you only give when you get, is selfish, petty, and a good way to send the message that you are just not that into your partner, and maybe he should get warm elsewhere. Don’t misunderstand, I’m not condoning infidelity, I am just saying putting conditions on love is not love, and sex is a huge part of the equation.
The Sound of Silence
Much like the freeze out, this one can make you feel like you are losing your fucking mind. There are some people who sadistically believe that if you have done something that displeases them, or you have unintentionally hurt them, then you leave them with no choice but to blatantly ignore you, until you get yourself right, go along with their program and are on your hands and knees seeking absolution. That is not unconditional love. That is not only fucked up, it’s juvenile behavior! If you are an adult or adultish, and you love someone, you want to know how adults resolve conflict? They communicate, they express why they feel hurt, why they are upset, and they hash things out. Yes, it is that simple!
The Need To Be Right
By now you can probably see that the behaviors we choose to bring into our existence, and make no mistake they are choices,
in a marriage or committed relationship, most certainly put conditions on love.
Another condition that is entrenched in many troubled relationships, is one partner who feels they are always right, always just, and is unapologetic, that you can’t be as pious. As they bask in the glow of their rightness and your obvious wrongness, they further seek to alienate their partner.
If you find you are the one who always needs to be right and you see your marriage rapidly deteriorating, and you can’t seem to understand why, this is WHY!
Without a doubt you should stick up for your beliefs, stand your ground, and not be messed around with, but in the day-to-day minutia of life, in the grand scheme of things, in this need of yours to be right, ask yourself this…..do I want to be happy, or do I want to be right?
Sometimes it’s OK that just you feels, you are right, as you snuggle up next to your honey, who’s lovingly holding your hand and smiling her sexy, sultry smile, while letting you control the remote!
I realize that many sides of this debate about conditional and unconditional love exist. I also realize that depending on which side of the debate you stand on, you will undoubtedly argue for, and if you are like me, will vehemently defend, your side.
I just feel like this life is hard enough, and many of the arguments, freeze outs, and hurts, one feels in a relationship, gets lost in the notion that conditions need to be met in order to love. True love should never waver based on conditions, hopes unfulfilled, or unmet expectations. The feeling of love should be present in all that you do, all that you feel, and all that you say.
Further, when conflicts, and misunderstandings, are left unchecked, unresolved, and allowed to fester, this will inevitably lead to a marriage left in tatters, with couples on opposing sides, blaming one another, and unwilling to resolve, what wounds to ego, they are nursing. Until, what they once had, looks or feels like anything….but love. And will, almost always, end in divorce.
I believe that if couples would learn to recognize the limits and conditions they place on their love, they would quickly see how destructive and controlling this is. It’s ok to be upset, disappointed, angry, all of the things we feel when we are hurt by someone we love. However, if we remember that we can gently and lovingly talk things over and express our views, we can begin to love one another purely, wildly, madly, without conditions, without limits…. with all of our being.
Drop me a line, let me know where you stand and why. I’d love to hear your thoughts!! xo